One Good Egg, Perfect Timing, and a Clear Path: Vanessa’s Infertility Journey
In this episode of the Breath and Birth Co. podcast, Vanessa delves into her personal journey with infertility following an endometriosis diagnosis. Vanessa shares her mantra 'one good egg, perfect timing, and a clear path,' and breaks down the steps she took to improve egg quality, track her menstrual cycle, and clear her reproductive path. She recounts her emotional highs and lows, the importance of intuitive and modern medical practices, and ultimately finding success through excision surgery and lifestyle changes. Vanessa's story is one of hope and perseverance, aimed to inspire and support those on similar journeys.
“All I need is one good egg, perfect timing, and a clear path.”
- Vanessa Bauman
🔑 3 Key Takeaways:
Self-Advocacy is Key: my journey taught me about the importance of self-advocacy in healthcare. Understanding your body and fighting for the right support and information can make all the difference.
Combining Traditional and Modern Approaches: I underscore the power of combining intuitive, alternative practices with the precision of modern medicine, illustrating how they can complement each other effectively. For some people, modern medical interventions are what makes conception possible. It’s okay to blend the methodologies and mindset, it doesn’t have to be black or white.
You Are Not Alone: Navigating infertility can feel isolating, but it is my sincere hope that sharing my own story reminds you of the power of shared experiences and community support. Even if you’re not ready or drawn to sharing your own journey through infertility publicly, know that I can be there for you privately.
I found these books useful on my infertility journey:
I bought these in bulk:
One Good Egg: Quality Over Quantity
Understanding egg quality was a priority for me. I underwent hormonal and thyroid assessments with my endometriosis specialist, Dr. Mini, and explored comprehensive strategies outlined in the book "Start With The Egg." My commitment to improving egg quality through nutrition and lifestyle changes was significant, showcasing the impact of intentional self-care.
Perfect Timing: Mastering the Cycle
I also emphasized the significance of mastering my cycle by tracking basal body temperature and using ovulation strips. My meticulous observations helped me identify hypothyroidism, adjusting my understanding and treatment effectively. Despite the intrusive nature of such monitoring, it was a critical step in coordinating the precise timing needed for conception.
A Clear Path: Overcoming Physical Barriers
The journey wasn’t just emotional; I also had physical hurdles, which would eventually be officially diagnosed as endometriosis and require surgical intervention. My successful excision surgery, performed by Dr. Mini, played a pivotal role in clearing the path for a viable pregnancy, coupled with continuous monitoring and understanding of her evolving health needs.
Confronting the Emotional Rollercoaster
Throughout my journey, I candidly shared my emotional battles—whether it was feeling overwhelmed by the expectations or the cyclic nature of hope and despair with each ovulation cycle. Despite these challenges, my persistence and the resolve to advocate for myself emerged as a powerful thread.
Reflecting on Community and Support
My experiences underscore the importance of support—from my trained and specialized healthcare providers, family, to the wider community. I aim to extend this support to my listeners, encouraging you to connect through my referrals page or by reaching out for guidance and shared stories.
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00:00 Welcome to the Breath and Birth Co. Podcast
00:47 Introduction to Today's Episode: Infertility Journey
02:21 Mantra for Overcoming Infertility
03:16 One Good Egg: Tests, Nutrition, and Supplements
08:28 Perfect Timing: Understanding Your Cycle
21:31 Clear Path: Surgical Interventions and Acupuncture
24:35 Personal Reflections and Journal Entries
30:17 The Emotional Rollercoaster of Infertility
34:04 A Happy Ending: Pregnancy
40:02 Conclusion and Final Thoughts
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Vanessa: Welcome to the Breath and Birth Co. podcast. I'm Vanessa, a hospital based, Donut International certified birth doula and passionate childbirth educator. I love to merge the power of your intuition with the precision of modern medicine to help you navigate pregnancy and birth your way. Each week we kick off with Monday meditations to bring calm and connection to your pregnancy.
Then we build your confidence through insights, birth stories, and care provider perspectives during thoughtful Thursdays. Ready to feel supported, informed, and empowered? Hit subscribe to the Breath and Birth Co. podcast today and let's embark on this transformational journey together. As a reminder, any information shared here is not medical advice.
For more details, visit breathandbirthco. com slash disclaimer.
So for today's episode, I'm going to continue along my own journey, and expand upon episode one, where I covered the endometriosis diagnosis portion of my journey. And in today's episode, I'm going to concentrate on the infertility side of that. , so just like labor, this was not a linear path, and I may reference some of the same things in episode one, but really The intent of this episode is to focus on the infertility, , emotions, the specific tactics that I used to solve for infertility issues that I was having aside from those actual endometriosis symptoms.
And naturally, in solving for one, I was kind of helping the other too. So anyway, if you haven't heard or listened to episode one, , feel free to go back and listen to that before or after this episode, but today's will be focused on the infertility side.
, and also I wanted to mention that my infertility struggle was not years long of actively trying to conceive, but I truly, truly believe that had I not advocated in the ways that I did, or had the provider that was a hundred percent aligned with my goals and understood the endometriosis side of things, it most definitely would have been , Much longer of a journey than it was
Anyway, just wanted to mention that and that my heart goes out to anyone listening that has been going through this cycle of emotions and the roller coaster of it all for years.
um, I thought I would start out with sharing my mantra during this period of my life, which was, all I need is one good egg. Perfect timing and a clear path. I'm a very goal and process oriented girl for those of you that don't know me. And for those of you that do, you're probably laughing right now because I'm pretty much the most goal oriented and process oriented girl you may know.
, so everything I did was in alignment to one or more of those goals during this time period. And that would be from the early 2018 to the beginning of 2019. So, I thought I'd break down, each one of those, I guess you could call them pillars of that mantra. So we have one good egg, perfect timing, and a clear path. So for the one good egg pillar, I had initial tests and blood work done with my endometriosis specialist, Dr.
Mini, who I talked about in episode one. Um, this included hormone tests, just a general, , panel, and eventually, a thyroid panel as well. And I would recommend asking for, um, A 21 day progesterone test, AMH test, which can be done at any point in your cycle. And then also thyroid.
Also in terms of One Good Egg, I read the Start With The Egg book, which I think inspired One Good Egg. The, that one good egg pillar in my mantra. And so I, I highly recommend that I'll include the title and link in the show notes.
The start with the egg book. Outlines, , the different science and strategies that go behind egg quality and nutrition, supplements, lifestyle changes, um, that kind of thing that all can scientifically proven contribute to your egg quality. And so my theory was, after learning that my AMH levels were so low that I had very few eggs left, so that egg quality could be an issue contributing to my infertility issues, I really wanted to hone in on making sure that the eggs that I did have left were optimal, um, in terms of quality.
In doing so, the, I went down the nutrition and supplement path. The book outlines different,, nutrition and supplements that can help with egg quality. , as a reminder, I'm not a registered dietitian or nutritionist, but I hope to have a few lined up in future guest episodes, and I also have a referrals page on my website for a few, local to Columbus.
So anyway, I have, , a little journal entry here I have from, , July, 2018. And, uh, I wrote, I take a prenatal with methylfolate B complex, B12, C, , COQ10 ubiquinol, D3, Evening primrose oil, um, and that was until ovulation., I was taking those daily, and this was all under the guidance of my traditional Chinese medicine doctor at the time.
And, um, I was still at that time getting random bruising and numb hands and legs, but not nearly as severe as before. And my joint pain was pretty much gone at that point. Um, so about, I don't know, four or six months into my journey there. And then my energy was through the roof on most days, and I had done, mostly myself, had completely done, uh, landscaping work in our old house, um, digging up roots and trees existing, and planting new ones, and it was on the first day of my period, which would have typically been, um, I probably would have been bedridden or at least nauseous and in severe, , cramping pain.
And then, , I wrote, as an added bonus, my hair and nails are long and strong AF. , and then in terms of nutrition, um, I, I discussed in episode one, I had gone from vegetarian to full vegan, I had eliminated gluten, I had eliminated caffeine and alcohol, those were specifically also linked to, , the egg quality, caffeine and alcohol were.
, I had also removed toxins from household cleaners and body products along that journey. So, fragrances and removing plastics from the kitchen. I converted all, any plastic Tupperware to glass Pyrex and used a lot of ball jar containers, um, for leftovers and ingredients instead of any kind of plastic.
I had eliminated most contact with BPA products and plastics in general from the kitchen. Um, and slowly worked on eliminating toxins, so BPA, parapens, harsh chemicals, fragrances, in cosmetics and cleaning products. Um, with everything else that I was doing at the time, that had kind of been the lowest of my priorities in terms of lifestyle shift, but I considered any kind of, , product swap, , progress in terms of eliminating those toxins and anything that that could contribute to my egg quality, which the book also outlines that those things could be linked to hormone disruptors in infertility and egg quality.
And then I also reduced stress and anxiety. I did a lot of yoga during that period and those were also suggested in the book as tactics to help improve egg quality.
Okay. Then we have the perfect timing pillar. And this pillar was really focused on understanding my personal cycle. So, , before we committed to actively trying to conceive, I had been tracking my cycles in, , some different apps on my phone, but what I learned was that most of the apps, at least at the time, had been making a lot of assumptions in terms of that you likely ovulate 14 days after the last day of your last period and, um, you know, just making assumptions around the luteal and the follicular phase of your cycle, instead of, um, really personalizing it and any symptoms that you added, you know, helped contribute to that personalization, but ultimately, um.
I had read Taking Charge of Your Fertility, which is a book that I now recommend and feel like everybody should be reading this book. It should be a required reading in health class or what have you , for young, um, females to truly understand how their body is actually working.
Oftentimes, that as females, we were taught, especially in health class or sex education, \ either Complete abstinence or the putting the fear of God in you that, if you have sex, you will get pregnant. , and really this book goes through your actual cycle.
, it describes the phases of the cycles. It describes the cervical mucus and how that changes through your cycle. Understanding the follicular phase versus the luteal phase. , and what's happening in your body and how to track your basal body temperature and that cervical mucus as clues to where your body is in that cycle so that you can really, um, understand what points your body is in within your own cycle. So I began basal body temping during that time and since this was, um, like I said, 2018, I know that the technologies around this have really come a long way since. , now Apple watches. Can track that from a surface level on your skin.
There's also different products like, , I believe Oura Ring and, , Temp Drop. And there's some other products that I can link in the show notes too for you to reference. But, um, technology has come a long way in aiding and doing this a little bit easier. But back in 2018, I was doing it the old school way, where I was literally, I had a thermometer that went under my tongue.
And basically the method is, As soon as you wake up, you take your temperature, um, with the theory being that this is going to be your lowest body temperature of the day , and you want it to be at a consistent time every day so that you're comparing apples to apples. And so you take your temperature and then I would plot it either on, , you can do a hard copy chart or I did have an app that allowed me to plug in the temperature and it would chart it digitally for me.
So you plot your temperature, and basically what happens is that your temperature will fluctuate between the phases. So your follicular phase might be consistent, consistent, or like a little hump, and then I personally experienced I would have a drop temperature below my baseline, and then the next temperature would spike up well above my, , My previous temps and baseline and so that would signify that was the day that I ovulated and This book again taking charge of your fertility.
It goes over this it goes over to how to track your basal body temperature and how to plot it on a chart and how to understand and analyze your charts and it's It really was the analysis part that was eye opening for me after I had learned how to do this. , I think I mentioned in episode one that my basal body chart was really what helped me advocate for a full thyroid panel.
, my baseline temperatures were about a full degree lower than what is typically considered average or normal range. And in the book, it outlined that that was a symptom of Potential thyroid disease and so once I got my full thyroid panel and learned that I did have hypothyroidism, that was that allowed me to further pursued that diagnosis and treatment for that to solve, which also contributes to infertility.
So anyway, in all of that, I also reduced travel. So a lot of times any stress or even travel, which can cause stress and different cortisol levels can impact the timing of your ovulation. And so naturally by reducing my travel as part of my stress management, for work, I was helping this perfect timing pillar as well.
So, and along this tracking, I also, aside from the hypothyroidism, in the very beginning I noticed that I had, um, in the first, I'd say cycle or two, I noticed what's called a luteal phase defect, where my luteal phase, so the time from ovulation to the first day of my period, I was Um, it,
so I, uh, learned in charting my first and second cycles this way that I had what's called luteal phase defect, where the time from my actual ovulation to the first day of my menstrual cycle was very, very short, too short for an egg to actually implant before my uterine lining would shed. I would say it probably wasn't surprising to me at the time, because at that time when I was starting this journey of really analyzing everything and , seeking the endometriosis help, it was the peak of my cycles and, heavy bleeding consistently, multiple times a month, you know, so my cycles were very short. But it was not just that my full cycle was short, it was that I was ovulating later in my cycle. And that time between ovulation and that first day of,, bleeding was very, very short, which is
When you bleed during your menstrual cycle, that is your uterus shedding its lining because an egg has not implanted. So anyway, so the luteal phase defect, I was able to kind of track that , and that was a red flag to me, that again, the perfect timing was really important in getting my cycle leveled out so that I had more time for that egg to implant.
And through this all, I also just want to highlight the emotional rollercoaster of tracking your temperature every day. Um, it eventually became very empowering to me as I learned and was discovering these symptoms and, um, being able to put names to things and get treatment for specific things.
But. Again, it was a rollercoaster where there were times when it was just really stressful, or I was very anxious, you know, as the thermometer was in my mouth, like, okay, what's today's going to be reading it? I had a dip yesterday. Is it going to go, you know, is it going to shoot up today so that that confirms ovulation or, and if it didn't, then the emotions that go along with that, that, oh, I really thought I had it, you know, I had it down pat and I understood my body and now my body's doing this weird thing or, you know, What have you.
Um, and then also, alongside the BBT, I was peeing on, um, LH strips for ovulation, and I guess I should go back to it. And so LH strips are, it's basically like peeing on a, on a pregnancy test strip. Um, but they measure your LH, which is a hormone that, uh, spikes leading into ovulation. And so what I was doing was, along with tracking the BBT throughout, When I was approaching what I thought would be ovulation, I would start testing maybe three days before when I thought, and you can see the strip getting darker and darker as it approaches, but ultimately that BBT will tell you when you get that temperature spike, that is confirming that ovulation has happened, and that, within that 24 hour window, is your prime optimal time for conception.
And so the LH strips can help you leading in, but really your BBT is what's going to help confirm the ovulation has actually occurred. And along with all of that, the journey of, , this is all exciting and eventually, after months of this, Rollercoaster and the cycle of trying and not succeeding, you know, eventually intimacy becomes to feel like a chore and , we have to do it now because oh my gosh, I just beat on this strip and oh my gosh I just took my temperature and that means that I ovulated and we have 12 hours now, you know so we have to fit it in into our schedule and it just it takes away the I don't know, the intimacy of it all and the excitement of it, and it really did become a chore after a while, which, you know, continues to impact me personally, after the fact .
And then also, after you confirm ovulation and you have sex with the intent to conceive, that Impatiently waiting phase where you have to wait those few days to even pee on an HG stick or take a pregnancy test. Um, and it's just kind of this in between zone where, okay, I've done all the research. Took all the temperatures.
We, we did the deed and now I just have to sit and wait to see and that anxiety of and that hope every time that you're just like riding on that hope that this will be the time and then when you finally are able to take the test, , even those seconds of patiently waiting for whatever line or the digital word to pop up, um, it really takes a toll on you.
And so, again, my heart goes out to anybody that's currently on this journey. And know that you're not alone in this journey at all.
And that I hope that my story, as I continue to share my journey, that did eventually turn into a viable and a full term pregnancy with a healthy baby boy, that that can be an inspiration to you as well, to help continue advocating for yourself and educating yourself and so that you can put your best foot forward in whatever chances you do have of conceiving the baby that you so desperately want.
Anyway,
Also, just, this might resonate with some of you, that have been on this journey or are currently on this journey, buying bulk bags or cases of LH strips and pregnancy strips, the cheapies, as they're called. Um, I had, like, a little basket under my sink where I kept them all. And then, um, Actually, this is a little perhaps embarrassing, but again, maybe it resonates, but I had a shot glass that I would pee in.
, so you know how like, Households have puke bowls. Well, don't worry. I didn't keep this shot glass at the bar in our house. It was, , kept under my sink, but it was , a Miami shot glass from college. My husband and I are Miami mergers, so we met in college. We're college sweethearts, and I just I don't know, that was the shot glass I picked for the sentiment of it, and that's what I would pee in, and then I would stick , the strip into , the shot glass and test from there.
So anyway, just like little anecdotes that, you know. at the time felt totally normal for me to have a basket of strips under my sink or on my counter or on the back of my toilet a Miami shot glass. , I hope that resonates or at least gave you a little laugh.
Okay, moving on in the mantra pillars to a clear path and basically, episode one can summarize this journey.
So my mindset was, that all I needed was at least one good egg. that could become a viable pregnancy. I needed perfect timing in terms of that egg being released so that the sperm could meet the egg where it needed to, when it needed to. And then the clear path was again, that egg making its way, the sperm being able to make its way to meet each other at that perfect timing.
And this is really where my endo journey overlaps with this I ultimately would not have had that clear path without the laparoscopic excision surgery that Dr. Mini was able to provide me. , at the same time, we did a, , chromoperturbation, I think it's called, um, basically clearing the tubes.
During that procedure, they put the fluid through my tubes to, , confirm if there was any blockages. And a lot of times with the pressure of that, even just That procedure itself can clear out, anything. And she, had helped with the endo and the, adhesions on the exterior, of my ovaries and tubes and everything.
And it kind of detangled everything, if you will. Um, so that all contributed to my clear path. And that was really the missing piece to the puzzle for those months of me concentrating on the first two pillars.
And also in the terms of the timing of it. I really think that putting all of that work up front into really learning and understanding my cycles, had I not done that, I probably would not have discovered the hypothyroidism before my surgery, which led to me getting put on thyroid meds, which helped then that fertility piece that even with that clear path after surgery, I probably would not have, Either conceived at all or had, a full term pregnancy without having my thyroid levels really in check and optimal for fertility.
, I believe that the acupuncture did end up helping all three pillars. But I do know and understand that I would not have been able to ultimately get pregnant and carry full term without that endometriosis excision surgery either.
And this is why I like to say that I'm passionate about blending the intuitive healing and some of those alternative practices with the precision of modern medicine when necessary. Some of us are not fortunate enough for those alternative and intuitive practices. Things to be successful all on their own and sometimes some of us do need that modern medicine Approach and the precision of that and the opportunities that the medical advancements have given us in order to conceive And I'm so grateful for that.
Okay Now I'd like to read a few excerpts from some journal entries and social posts during that time of life, , I thought it might, , be helpful or relatable for anybody listening now for you to hear some of my stories , and , the feelings and emotions that I was going through during that time.
Okay, here's one. Um, and just like that, it's been a full 18 weeks of living with intention, of taking back control of my body and my lifestyle routine, of being a recovering workaholic. When I say I feel the best I've felt since I can remember, it's true, but can also feel misleading. I still have some bad days, painful and super defeating, physically and emotionally.
Wednesday was one of those days. Another failed natural cycle and a new supplement that made me feel so ill I had to leave work.
And see, even just reading this journal entry from years ago, it really truly brings me back to those moments of the very high highs and the low lows. , also during this time, I have another little anecdote aside from the Miami shot glass. Um, my acupuncturist really, , had reinforced the warmth and being important during this time.
Um, that fertility journey piece and that, um, you know, warmth and, and heat escapes through our head and our feet. And so warm feet was very important. And my mom had knit me a pair of socks around that same time. And so I wore those handmade, um, socks religiously at home and in bed and everything.
I, I never slept without socks in bed. And then, Brian had lovingly purchased me an at home, like, pedicure spa kit thing, like the little tub that you fill with water and it heats the water and, you know, does the bubbles and everything, um. So anyway, I just wanted to share those little tidbits, too, from my memories of that time and, and how it is totally common and normal to, like, really latch on to certain things, , whether or not they just be, you know, old wives tales or proven in science, like we just, it's so natural to latch on to anything that feels like, I can do this, this is low hanging fruit, I can wear warm socks to keep my feet warm, I can, ,
Soak my feet in a warm tub, you know, twice a week or something to help with that. So, okay.
And then next I have, uh, an excerpt, let's see here. This is from, okay. November 3rd, 2018. , so this was toward the end of the year we were determining, to proceed with my excision surgery.
Okay, the rollercoaster of diagnosis. Lots of updates to share because y'all keep overwhelming me with positive support and private messages explaining how much you appreciate me being a voice for endo and infertility. Uh, the short version, my AMH levels miraculously went up. I have hypothyroidism.
Excision surgery is scheduled for December 13th. Day 21 progesterone levels show I am ovulating and do not have low progesterone. Longer educational version see comments below and this is where I expanded on those things. So first we learned that my AMH levels went from 0. 5 to 1. 3. This is one of those hormones used to diagnose my diminished ovarian reserve.
It's a number that reflects the quantity of eggs I have left, and in some ways can also give an idea of quality, since your best eggs tend to go first. So naturally the number depletes over time, but sometimes severe vitamin deficiencies can impact the reading.
Given my progress, the doctor wanted 1, how quickly it was depleting, or 2, if a deficiency could have impacted my original results. So while the new number is still considered very low for my age, it takes me out of this premenopausal zone and makes us a candidate for fertility treatments if we wanted to pursue that, which we do not, but we never say never.
Uh, and more than doubled in six months, which is remarkable. So this is good news. Then we scheduled my access in surgery and all of the pre op appointments required. It will be December 13th, and we're hopeful for a decent recovery period so I can return to work after the new year. Since we really don't know how bad everything is until we're in there, it's hard to say what the extent of surgery will be.
They could find nothing or they could find a shit ton and have to remove organs And I may just wake up pooping in a bag. , lastly, we did a 21 day, so 7 days past ovulation, progesterone test. Endo, makes me estrogen dominant, which can suppress the progesterone hormone and impact fertility.
So, my results were 18. 1, and anything over 8 confirms ovulation. And that number is really great news, and means that as of now, I won't have to take any progesterone supplements. And After tracking my basal body temperature every morning, my cervical mucus, and peeing on more ovulation strips than I can count each month, this was also a major relief that my charts were accurate and my body wasn't playing tricks on me.
Okay, this entry is from December of 2018. Working on yourself is the hardest work you'll ever do. I repeat, working on yourself is the hardest work you'll ever do. Life is either going to get much easier or more complicated after surgery, so I'm choosing to share this now so that I can remember how far I've already come prior to the pain and stress of recovery.
This entry is from February 2019. So a full year after my journey started from the endometriosis diagnosis.
Okay, I have a little story here too that requires a bit of a backstory. Um, so we have an annual Oscars party each year for my husband Brian's birthday. It started as a big 30th birthday party and everyone had such a blast, it turned into an annual tradition where everyone gets dressed up and we literally roll out the red carpet, um, and have a step and a repeat.
Serve what we used to serve fancy foods, and now we just do Chipotle or BiBiBop pop to keep it simple and to help everybody's dietary needs. this year will be his 40th birthday Oscars party. And if it weren't for COVID, it would be the 10th annual, but we lost a few years in there due to COVID.
But anyway, in 2018, our friends Johnny and Jordan announced their pregnancy at the party, probably by default since she wasn't drinking, but it was so fun to celebrate with them. It was all of the friends together and, and we celebrated that and it was really a notable year. And then the next year, so in 2019, , after we had been trying and I was recovering from my surgery at this Oscars party, our very best friends, who we consider family, Jake and Gloria,, they announced they were pregnant at that party And we all joked that it would become a thing for big life announcements to happen at that party since we were all gathered together And I'm honestly not sure if I've ever talked about this out loud with them But I know it was understood and I know that they're Both listening to this, again, because we're besties and each other's biggest supporters.
But I think that night was probably the first time I truly, truly understood what it felt like to feel such a dichotomy of both absolute, pure joy for two people I loved very dearly, and immense heartache for myself and our own journey. I had dreamed that we would be announcing our pregnancy at that party, that it would be our turn.
But that wasn't the case.
But I was so excited and elated that our closest friends were, that if anybody else were to be the ones announcing that it was them, oh my gosh, I was so excited. But I also cried myself to sleep that night, praying, just praying that maybe we could get pregnant soon enough and maybe, just maybe, we could be pregnant together like we always talked about.
Um, our other best friends, Jason and Bobbi, who may also be listening to this, had also announced their pregnancy just before that. So I remember feeling both jealous and like there was just so much pressure that we just had to be next, that if it was anybody's turn, it was ours. And the sooner we could do it, the closer in age all the kids could be to growing up together.
And it would just be this amazing thing, but only if it worked. And it worked.
And so, well, spoiler alert , I was actually pregnant at that party too, and we, we just didn't know it yet.
, I flew out to Germany for work that Monday, and I didn't pack any tests. , when I returned from work, , and eventually took a test that next morning, I saw the two lines, and I was like, Oh my god,
that's two lines. Is that two lines? I was in complete disbelief. And I think I peed on four more, of the cheapies that I had in my little basket, , before I finally set in that I might actually be pregnant. so then I decided, since it was still around Bry's birthday, that I was going to,, keep this a surprise and go get more pregnancy tests, like a digital one, that he could actually read.
And I'd wrap it all up, And, oh my god, that was the longest day of my life, having to keep it from him. .
So anyway, um, this next, and I think it's the last entry that I wanted to share, um, is actually from September of 2019. , so I was pregnant by this point and, our due date was November 14th, 2019. So this was just before I was, Going to give birth. So, on being ready to birth and parent a human.
It is no secret that the thought of pregnancy, the pressure of carrying full term, and the task of parenting was so overwhelming to me just a few years ago that I couldn't even fathom the idea that I was capable of it. None of it sounded appealing to me at the time, and I was perfectly content with the work hard, play hard lifestyle of being a workaholic who got paid to travel the world and had the freedom to party every weekend.
Knowing what I know now, I understand much of that attitude was my subconscious protecting myself from the fact that at the time, my body really wasn't capable of it. I knew I eventually wanted to have children, but I could confidently answer when outsiders and family alike pressed me No kids yet. Um, we talked of adoption but my husband really wanted to try naturally first we're talking anxiety attack inducing conversations.
It was still not ready but I could slowly approach the thought of getting answers with up to my health issues. When I was ready to tackle my physical health, hoping mental and emotional health would follow, the majority of my motivation was just that. I needed to be a better person for myself and to my husband before I could imagine bringing another little being into the picture.
Doctors were very triggering for me after all of those years of tests and procedures with no answers, but I knew it would be the best step no matter which path to parenthood we chose. So I got brave and took back control of my life and my body. We got answers. I changed my entire diet and lifestyle.
I felt and looked the most healthy I had been in over a decade. That entire time we were actively trying to conceive. I'm not sure I was even ready then, but again, I believe I was protecting myself from the pain of failure. And once I set the goal, nothing could get in my way.
With every new diagnosis and every passing unsuccessful ovulation, it became clear that we needed to take the next step. It was time for excision surgery. Knowing I had done everything in my power to naturally get my body to a better place first, I was now ready for more answers. We had no idea what she'd find when she got in there.
At a childless 33, I could literally wake up and be told, you need a full hysterectomy and a colostomy bag. That surgery would be the answer to everything, for better or worse. But all I wanted was answers, so we knew what our path would ultimately be. I signed consent to remove one ovary and one tube, An appendectomy, excision of my endo, and an HSG.
Still not knowing what I'd actually have left inside of me when I woke up from surgery, or what follow up surgeries I would need with different specialists afterward.
December 13th, 2018, I woke up to the news that although the endo was pretty much everywhere, she was able to save everything. My organs were fused together and to my abdominal wall by one type of endo, and there were cysts all over my ovaries and tubes , from another type of endo.
I had extra scars due to the extent of it all. She validated to my husband that I had been in a lot of pain for a long time, but believed that I could make a full recovery, and that she had so much hope that surgery would change our lives.
On December 13th, 2019, I will wake up to a crying baby.
A baby that is half of me and half of Brian. And that my body grew healthy and strong full term.
So yeah, I just wanted to share that one because , I feel like it's a beautiful testament to just that arc of life, and how you just really never know where the path will lead and what the outcome will be, but if you proceed with hope and motivation and educate yourself and get a team behind you that advocates for you too and truly is aligned with your wants and your mission and your mantra, , that you It will hopefully be possible for you, too, to achieve pregnancy and carrying full term.
, yeah, I just want you to know that you're not alone and I'm here if you ever want to reach out and share your story or, , If you need any advice or just emotional support, again, I have a referrals link on my website for other resources for you in terms of other professionals that are more expert in this area than I am.
I speak from my own lived experience, but I do not have the , medical background, I'm not specialized in infertility medicine or perinatal mental health, but I do know people who are, who I would lovingly refer you to. so again, check out the show notes where I've got links and notes, specific to everything I discussed in here and I hope that this episode resonated with you and that you are feeling a little bit less alone on your own journey.
And that you perhaps got to know me a little bit better, too, and, how my history has brought me here today to the Breath and Birth Co. podcast.
Vanessa: Thank you so much for spending time with me today. I hope you found this episode helpful and encouraging on your journey. Don't forget to hit subscribe so you never miss a future episode. And if you enjoyed today's conversation, I'd be so grateful if you left a quick review. It helps others find the show.
For more information, Resources and links mentioned in this episode. Be sure to check out the show notes. You can also connect with me on Instagram at breath and birth. co for more support and inspiration until next time, remember you've got this and you're never alone in this journey.
